Constitutional Amendments and Bathroom Etiquette - Yes, I went there!

This is a topic that someone needs to broach so I going to take one for the team, ladies. 

Some men might even have my back on this one. 

I am not sure how many signatures it will require to pass a Constitutional amendment but that may be what is necessary to have across the board compliance. 

I am talking about public restroom sounds and etiquette required by them and how we can avoid the embarrassment these issues cause people everyday. 

For the sake of all of us, please join my cause. 

How many times have you had to rush into a public restroom for an "emergency" stop? 

Only to be confronted with a room full of people chatting on their phones,

lined up at the mirrors checking their make up or just standing around waiting for little Betsy to finish her business?


Have you dreaded the moment that all sound stops after you have entered your little cubicle and the evacuation has begun.

"If I could have made it home, don't you think I would have." 

Is that something you wish you could say to the person you hear gasp with shock at the first sputtering splash? 

But are you too busy trying to waving your hands to make the damn self flushing toilet flush to cover the sounds you know are coming next?

I have also suffered from that seated dance of shame. 

The multiple flush send away is a give away.  

There needs to be a law!  

Put some speakers in there.

Play some music. LOUDLY! 

I think there has been a government study done somewhere telling us what kinds of music is best suited for us to evacuate with.  

Truthfully, I don't care what they play. It could be this for all I cared....

We next need to address the issue of the people who are responsible for cleaning the restrooms.

These people are hardworking individuals and they have a thankless job. 

I hate cleaning my bathroom at home. The idea of having to clean up after strangers is not something I want to consider. 

But please don't try to be extra helpful when you are in the middle of cleaning up and I walk in. 

I"ll wait.

I  feel bad enough in a public restroom. 

Having you stop working so I can dirty up what you are cleaning is not something I want to happen. 

Oh, while I really appreciate the extra step you went to when you came and found me to let me know you were finished cleaning

the toilets, I was super uncomfortable that you hung around until I was done.

Having you standing there, alone in the silent bathroom, waiting for me to "go" was my least favorite potty memory since I was three. 

I locked myself in and needed helping wiping. It was a problem of first world order. 

This time I just had to leave and rush home.

So people maybe we need to add extra rules to our Constitutional Amendment. 

Won't you join me on my mission? 

Does anyone know a lawyer who can help me out with this? 

I think I need to write to Oprah first, right? 

Or is it Ellen now? 

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I Was An Evil Step Mother or Bet you Wish Your Step Mom was Cool Like me!

I read those letters from moms to step mothers and I really wanted to reply. 

So here is my version. 

I Am An Evil Step Mother

I never planned to be one. I always thought I would just be a regular mother, but fate had another plan in store for me, too. 

I help to raise the kids you gave birth to and you keep insisting that they didn't have to listen to me. 

Because I am not their mom.

You are right I am not. But I am still someone's mom. I still know how to be a parent. If we had met on the playground, you would not have had an issue listening to my advice. 

Because your kids were brats. 

They didn't listen. 

They talked back. 

They had no manners at all. 

I married the man you no longer want. It doesn't matter to me why you don't want him or how badly he may have treated you when he was married you. He is now my problem. Please don't tell me stories about how awful he was "back then", in a laughing tone of voice. 

We both know what happened. It's ancient history.

I studied history in school so I don't need a refresher from you. Thank you, very much. 

I did not plan to marry a man with kids. I already have my own problems to deal with. Why in the world would I want to add your snot monsters to the mix? 

You don't have to like me very much. But we have to accept each other. I do not have any real issues with you. Provided you understand a few things about me. 

• I love your kids. 
• Most of the time, your kids like me. 
• I love their father. 
• My ultimate goal is that they spend time together.
• Talking shit about me is not going to work. Talking shit about my kids is certainly not going to work.
• We deserve family time. Please do not get pissy when I include "your" kids as part of "our" family. They are. Get over it. 
• I might decide to do family pictures. I might include the dog. Please try to explain to the
  
  kids why I won't be including you. Do not use use the words, "Evil bitch" or "Snotty" either.
• I know those are your nicknames for me. Kids talk, you know.
• Schedules are set up for a reason. If I can read a clock, so can you. 
• If we are late, you take every opportunity to complain, even if we call. But you don't think it works the other way. Why is that?  
• Please help the kids pack appropriately. We don't care if they match but clean underwear is always nice and we never get back any of the clothes we keep buying.
  
  Are you selling it ?
• My parents treat your kids just like the rest of the grandkids. Please show some respect for "Grandpa and Grandma Jones".
  
  They have nothing but love and presents to give everyone. Calling them Mr. and Mrs. Jones is rude. Stop insisting on it. Its been long enough.
• While we are on the topic of titles...I have never once asked your kids to call me Mom or any variation of that title. I have no intention of doing so. My kids have steps also, we worked out some pretty cool nicknames for them. Why don't you try it?
• Or maybe I am just cooler than you.    

                     Your children's loving,

                                                                Evil Step Mother

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