Who Is This Snarky Person ?

In my head I am still fully capable of doing everything I was able to do three years ago, but then the reminders strike.

I forget the names of random items.
While talking I sometimes pause for my next thoughts to form.
It makes people think I have finished speaking and then I don't get to actually make my point.

Or even worse, I look less intelligent than I actually am.

But the worse part is that I am actually less intelligent than I was three years ago. 

I know that I am actually one of the very lucky few.

I survived with no lasting physical damage.

What is the loss of a few I.Q. points if I can still walk without assistance?

Yeah, right! Totally a fair trade.

So what happened to me you wonder? 

I am a stroke survivor.

I am a heart attack survivor.

One night.
Two possible life altering events.
Total fun time party for me. 

My emergency room doctor was extremely proud of himself for figuring out that at the age of forty seven I had just experienced a "Silent Heart Attack".

He actually said he was proud of himself.
Then he told us why.
My symptoms were unusual for a heart attack.
Even I knew what to look for in a normal heart attack.

My father had several before cancer stepped in and said this one is mine.
I even knew that women had different symptoms and made sure I was familiar with them.

Because, hey, if your dad is going to have a heart attack at age 48, being prepared is smart and I was smart.

But I had to have something special. 
It was sneaky. 
It was quiet. 
It was fucking Silent.

I was forty seven years old. 





A whole year younger than my dad.





But there were differences. I had no blockages, so no surgery. He had five blockages and had to have emergency surgery.

My heart attack was mild. His, not so much. 

The heart attack was easy peasy stuff for me. 
They ran a wire from my thigh up into my heart and then I had to lay flat on my back forever. 
Or for eight hours. 
Whichever came first. 
Lucky for me the eight hours sped by at the pace of a bad summer day waiting for dark so you can finally put your kids to bed again.  
Have you ever laid in one place without moving for eight hours? 
If you have, I feel ya! 
If you haven't, do not have a heart attack...they will make you do this. 
It is not pleasant. Especially in a hospital bed.

The real kicker of this adventure was that the one part of my body that I had always counted on to stand by me. 
To support me in everything I tried to do. 







To always have my metaphorical back, kicked my metaphorical ass. 
Big time. I never expected it and was so shocked that I refused to accept anything had changed.  
I was so wrong.

My brain basically sent me out a big old "fuck you" message and it was my own fault.

I had spent years struggling with high blood pressure. But I had managed to find a combination of medications that was working.
The best news was that I had finally quit smoking five months previously. 

But it was too little, too late.

My brain stroked in the area related to language, words and speech.
That was the best part of my brain. WTF?
My speech was slurred for months after. I didn't notice it right away. Everyone else did.
But no one said anything.  I notice it now when I am tired.
I continue to "reach" for words that I knew before that are lost to me now. I was fairly articulate before that stroke. I fake it pretty good now. 

Before the stroke I was an avid reader. I read ferociously. I do not know if I can describe how much I actually loved to read. Or how fast I could read and understand and comprehend.

Hmmm....I began and finished each of the Harry Potter novels on the day the were released. That is a lot of words. I actually purchased two of the last three novels so my son could have his own copy because I didn't want to share mine and he thought it was unfair he had to wait until the next day to start reading.

After the stroke, I was still able to read and understand. But nothing I read stayed with me. To read a new book in a series, I would have to read all the books that were released since the stroke to "catch up". I was current up to the stroke date, but after that..Poof!

I finally re-wired the reading about a year ago, but I am nowhere near as fast as before

But strangely I forgot information that I had been told in the months prior to the stroke. When I was "reminded" of things, apparently my reactions were identical to the way I reacted when first told.

I struggle everyday with the people who should understand me the best and they still don't get it. Because I am really good at faking it. Because I can make jokes about Stroke Brain and having brain damage. Because I let it slide when someone talks over me or assumes that the extra second it takes for me to gather my thoughts is their clue to walk away.

 Because no one really knows what its like inside my head, even the people I have tried to explain this shit to. Because how do you really explain how it feels to know that you use to be smarter than you are now, and while you know you are still smart, you also know just what you lost when your brain revolted against you.
How is it possible for another person to get that you aren't crying because you are sad, or your feelings are hurt, but because you are angry at a fate you can't change.
That you don't want people to feel sorry for you, that you aren't looking for sympathy or any sorry shit like that. 

I know that I am okay most days. I do just fine. But damn, there are some days that I want to scream and yell and ask just what the FUCK did I do to deserve having my brain semi-scrambled. 

But what I did was not pay enough attention to my high blood pressure when I was younger. My brain formed scar tissue. The scar tissue led to a stroke. End of the story. 

Oh...well not really. That scar tissue? The area I have it in? 

I also now have seizures. All the time. Absence seizures. From that area of the brain. FML! 

But that is another blog. This one has done wore me out.   

The Prodigal Returns and Leaves and Returns and Leaves and....What day is it again?

So this one will be ALL over the place. 

Because that is where I am lately. 

Where to start. Where to start.

Well, the pregnant daughter came home. 

Then she left again. Then she came home. Then she left. Then she was on her way home. 

And the cops stopped her and she had a ticket warrant.

 OOPS! 

Two nights and three days later, I picked her up and brought her home.

(Oh, did you think I might bail out my pregnant eighteen year old daughter from jail? Ahh, no! I want her to never want to go there again.)

Charges were dismissed, as we expected. 

The fly in my ointment of contentment here is the so-called "Baby Daddy"

Damn, I hate that term. Calling him her boyfriend just pisses me off, so for this he will simply be BD. It can have several meanings depending on his behavior. Big douche, bad dad, big dickhead. You get my drift. I am also taking suggestions on this, so...

But he is causing no end of troubles for me right now. I am not his biggest fan. Can you tell? 

He is a scrawny, nineteen year old homeless drug addict that refuses to go into rehab. 

He was not all of those things when he started dating my daughter two and a half years ago and I didn't really like him much then, but I tolerated him. I cannot say if he used drugs when they started dating but whether he did or didn't its too late now.

He helped introduce her to a life that I would never want for my child and while I hold her responsible for all the rotten choices she has made, I think I am allowed to be angry at him for the choices he enticed her into. I get the sex. I even can understand trying the drugs. 

But he talked her into leaving home to be with him before she was of legal age. To live on the street. Not because she was thrown out like some parents do to their troubled kids. No, he convinced her to go play house with him. We had the police bring her home several times. But she was eventually weeks away from her birthday and there was not a lot they could do. 

She pretended to come home right before her birthday. I know it was for whatever presents they thought we would give her. She was certainly in for a surprise. 

Every gift we gave her was something that would help support her if she choose to leave our home and live on the street. 

• A solar cell phone charger
• A strong water bottle that also filtered the water.
• A sturdy backpack with lots of pockets
• A thin yet light blanket (It was summer)
• Sunscreen,deodorant and personal items in small bottles

If my kid was going to be homeless, I wanted her to have some things that assisted her. I kept the tracker going on her cell phone. I knew what park she was sleeping in based on the tower she pinged off of nightly. If she didn't have a solar charger, she wouldn't be able to charge her phone on a regular basis. The water bottle was a necessity living where we do. Staying hydrated and making sure the water was clean was a priority. The backpack allowed her to carry her belongings tightly packed, yet easy to get to and the other items are easily explained. 

She was slightly disappointed since she wanted new clothes and gift cards. 

I called B.S. on that idea. I was no longer required to clothe her if she choose not to live in my home or follow my rules. When she thought about the gifts and used them, she saw the foresight we put into them. She realized that while we HATED the choice she was making, we were trying to respect her right as a newly legal adult to make it. 

(Yeah, that sounds like a load of crap and I agree, but at the time I was doing everything in my power to maintain any relationship with her and I did want her to stay in touch. I also did not want to give her anything that would support the BD anymore than necessary.)

So she would come home periodically. The BD said that whenever it was too "hard" for her "out there" she would run home to mommy and daddy. I told her he was just jealous that she was still allowed to come home and that if he would do what his parents asked he could go home also. They wanted him in rehab. He refused. They wanted some proof that he was willing to change his ways. He wouldn't. His loss.

He slowly tried to break her down, belittle her and made her feel like less than she was. But I raised a fighter. She may had made some screwed up crazy choices that I hated with a passion, but she was not going to go down without a fight. She pushed back at him every time he tried to take away what I had spent her childhood building up. Eventually she stood up and told him what she thought of him.

Most small men, both in mind and stature, do not like it when women stand up to them. 

(Hence the reason we do not get along at all. I do not suffer fools and he is clearly one. )

So as it stands now. She is home. He is still living the homeless life on purpose. Still refusing to go into rehab despite being told that until he does, she does not want to see him. I don't know if she will hold to that dictate. But she said it. Its a start. 

She is starting to act like a future mother. Realizing that her choices affect others and that she has to be responsible now for someone else. 

My baby may be growing up after all. 

SnarkyMomma out! 

The Lonely Blogger

I am writing my blogs and I wonder if anyone ever does actually read them. Half the time I start a blog and never finish it because I am sure that it is too stupid to post. I need to stop that. I saw that this is suppose to be the month when bloggers were posting a blog every day. If I were an actual real blogger I would have known that.

So I will try to write something everyday. No matter how inconsequential. I write on my postings everyday,  but I need to do follow ups on here.  

I can use those as launch ups for something to write about. 

But hats off to all the moms who have small kids and find time to write their blogs and raise their kids. I now remember why I stopped writing when own monsters were mini's. Between them and work, I was lucky to have enough brain cells left at the end of the day to speak, much less form coherent sentences. 

I can't promise coherent sentences now and I still have issues having enough brain cells to speak clearly but that is another blog that I am still not ready to write. Maybe I will build up to it. 

Back to the title though, It sucks not know if anyone reads these. If you reach this far, just give me a "Hey there" comment so I know someone was actually there and that I wasn't clicked on by accident. Thanks! 

SnarkyMomma out until later!  

Why I Refuse to "Tag" my Grandchildrens Parents in the Pictures I Post

I am a typical Grandparent!

Heaven help me, I take pictures every chance I get and post them online and subject my friends to the sight of random babies popping up on their Facebook feed. 

WHAM! BABY EATING SQUASH FOR THE FIRST...BE AMAZED! 

( I really posted a picture of that once !)

When our first granddaughter was born, we weren't there, so she was two months old before we saw her in person.

I clearly remember saying that I had never seen a prettier baby in my life. 

(What can I say, I was obviously under the baby's spell)

I even said this to my daughter.  

Who is not the mother of this grandchild. 

(Oh Lord, my daughter was a moody teenager then and was highly offended)

 My daughter agreed with me the baby was beautiful , but (see above) , was hurt I didn't still think she was most beautiful baby ever. 

(SO SHOOT ME, I later looked at pictures and saw the truth. All babies are beautiful when you are fall in love with them.)

I was enamored, completely. 

I took a ton of pictures. This kid as had a well documented life. So has my nephew. My best friends granddaughter and every other baby born into the smart phone generation. Everyone takes pictures of their kids and posts them on line. Not everyone is online smart. 

I am an on line smart grandparent. As well as a smart parent, aunt and family photographer. All the settings for my personal social media are set to private.

(As yours should be.) 

I still think my granddaughter is beautiful. Of course, a new baby has been born and she usurped grandchild #1's place as the most beautiful baby ever. Numbers 3 and 4 are on the way and I know they will also be the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. 

But I won't tag any of the parents in their kids pictures once the babies reach a certain age. 

I trust my adult kids but my grandchildren are and will be gorgeous. 

(I do not know my adult kids online friends. GASP!)

I have a hard time believing that someone actually knows hundreds of peoples strewn across the USA when they have lived in only two places their entire lives. But that is just me.

(Judgey time. We had conversations about privacy settings, they were ignored.) 

So I first simply stopped posting pictures of the oldest granddaughter. 

(Then weirdly, my friends asked about her? WTH??? They missed pictures of the silly faces and her hanging upside down at the park or eating a Popsicle with a paper plate covering most of her face. That was my solution to exposing too much of her in a picture and her dripping on my floor.)

So I talked to her mom about why I wasn't posting pictures of her daughter online anymore. I explained about pedophiles and that because her kid was so pretty, maybe she should change her settings, tighten up her friends list, generally gave her some solid safety advice. 

I thought. 

So she simply stopped posting pictures of her daughter altogether.

 (What that was about I have no idea.)

But I still wanted to share with my friends. So I stopped tagging. I have less worry that I might be exposing my loved ones image to people I do not know. 

I am not judging anyone. Online friendship can be a lifesaver. But keep the majority of your kids images private. I am not super tech savvy. If I am able to figure this out, so can the generation under me. Do not flash images of your bathing suited toddler to every Tom, Dick and Pedophile that lucks out and you have accepted as a friend and forgotten because you moved on weeks ago. Please do not let our private family celebrations fuel someone else's fantasies.   

I have explained to everyone involved why I am choosing not to tag them. They don't seem to be offended. I tag people in the comments so they can see the pictures. Some have copied and posted to their own page. For now, I haven't said anything. 

But I have also stopped posting pictures of our older granddaughter like I did previously. I still take them. I save them, but I rarely share now. Bad judgement still exists. I have to protect where I can.So the few pictures posted by me are examined carefully.   

Maybe I am paranoid. Maybe I am simply seeing a boogieman where there is none. But better safe than sorry as my grandmother told me. 

Maybe I am not so Typical After All! 

Are We Breaking Bad On Hypocrisy ?

I have a confession to make. I have never watched #BreakingBad. Not a single episode. I have no interest in watching a TV show about drug use or manufacturing drugs. No matter how wonderful the acting or writing may be, I already know enough about the damage drugs can do to a family and society.  

So the recent brouhaha about "action figures" created from the show being sold in Toys R Us barely even registered with me. I thought the mom was overreacting. 

Then Toys R Us pulled the damn things off the shelves. 

They claimed they were placing the actions figures on an "indefinite sabbatical". Well, hell. Now I am kinda pissed. Because some mom in Florida, who admitted watching the freaking TV show about drugs but was: 

1. Too lazy avoid the adult toy section of the store when she was shopping with her children.
2. Too afraid to have a real conversation with those children about drugs and why they were bad.
3.  Too dumb to realize that if someone actually was stupid enough to give her kids a Breaking Bad action figure, she could remove the little paraphernalia.

Come on people. My kids were given toys all the time that included small pieces that I hated. The first thing I did when we opened those toys was to take those pieces away "for safekeeping". Our Barbie Dolls never wore shoes and the Power Rangers didn't have any weapons.  

But what is really torquing my hypocrisy wagon here is not JUST the Breaking Bad watching mom in Florida and all her 9000 plus signature followers on this Change.Org  petition.

I am upset that people are such followers also. Its a stupid doll. (Don't get me started on action figure vs. doll. I don't give a rats ass about that.) Use it for something good if you see it,(have a conversation with your kid) otherwise avoid it. But there is a bigger issue here. 

Why is it just this toy at the toy store? They sell other items that I once would have never allowed my young sons to have anything to do with, despite their begging me to buy the item. Video games with mature ratings, clearly intended for the over 18 crowd. Expensive radio controlled cars and planes that no child could ever use more than once. And don't get me going on the fact that Toys R Us sells freaking drum sets. I think that is just cruelty to parents everywhere. Its just wrong. 

Collector edition action figures also clearly intended for adults. How many little kids should be watching The Walking Dead and want to play with a Phillip doll, complete with a machete? Or maybe A Star Wars figure is more appropriate... Princess Leia is available in her slave outfit. Can Florida mom explain that to her kids? Leia comes with at least two weapons also. Bet that will make the explanation easier. 

I went to Toys R Us website. The Collectors Corners showed a wide and fun assortment of action figures. Freddy Kruger, Jason, Predator and many more. It's too bad none of the one's I just listed are currently available despite being featured prominently on their website header and page.

I just don't understand what Toys R Us is doing.

Toys for all Ages of Hypocrites Sold Here!

Pulling a toy because of a few thousand people and then still selling other items that are clearly marketed for adults is hypocritical. Make up  your mind. Are you a toy store for kids? Or are you going to sell "toys and action figures and games" that are clearly intended for adults only? Do you believe that the parents who shop in your store and use your website are smart enough to avoid a clearly marked section that warns then, "Hey, big people stuff here...Don't let small people look!" or do you believe we are too stupid to actually be good parents and need  a corporate toy store to monitor what our children see? 

I know that this has been all over the place so here is how I feel about is all.

1. Leave the Breaking Bad doll alone. If you have enough money to waste on the stupid things, you don't have kids anyway.
2. Toys R Us needs to grow a pair and either stop selling all grown up marketed items or bring this one back. 
3. I don't care about Breaking Bad. 
4. I don't care about Toys R Us either. 
5. I simply hate hypocrites.
6. Sometimes I can be one.
7. So can everyone.
8. People need to stop thinking they can control the whole world. They can't. They can only control themselves and try to raise good, smart kids. To do that they need to TALK to them, not hide the world from them.
9. BTW...Florida Mom, stay off Amazon and eBay. Those Breaking Bad dolls are all over those sites.  

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